Slowly putting the sickness away

I took the advice from Lesley to just do one thing at a time… to start with removing the things that remind me of his sickness.  The pill bottles are de-labeled and in the trash and the piddle pads are all gone.  I still can’t bring myself to pick up the towels in the living room and unroll the area rug.  The living room is where we spent most of our evenings… still not ready….  His dog bed is still sitting next to my side of the bed too.  I visit his dog bed every morning just to get his scent… how sad is that?  I’m like an addict sniffing for that last bit of crack….

 

Yesterday, I went to the local pet store to pick up some treats for Waldo, not realizing that I had not updated the owners of Watson’s passing.  “How is everyone in the household?” they cheerily asked.  I had to recount his last week on earth and I could barely keep myself together.  For the most part, I have been able to resume the activities of a normal person – sleep, work, care about what’s for dinner – or so it seems from the outside.  But there are many times when I feel like I am out of my body.  Janice, one of the pet store owners, said that I could always come and cry with her since she knows that most people don’t “get it”; that most people think dogs are dogs and not as important as people.  I’ve lost several people in my life, including my parents, and I can easily and honestly say that the hurt and devastation of losing the Old Man isn’t any less…..  that sounds ludicrous to most considering that I was very close to my mom, in particular… but loss is loss… and there are no levels of grief in my heart reserved for humans versus canines.

 

So as I sit at my desk and try to care about my world again, I can’t help but look down and miss the Old Man.  He was always nearby – lying on the floor next to my chair, behind me asleep in one of many dog beds.  At times, he would wander down the hall to sleep in the living room.  Every now and then when he awoke from a nap, he would stick his head out of the doorway and look down the hall to see what I was up to.  If the scene met his satisfaction, then he would turn around and go back to bed.  If it didn’t, then he would come over to check on me more closely.  I miss that very much….  My doorways are very empty now.

 

There is also one song that keeps reminding me of the Old Man and greatly reflects how I’ve been feeling of late.  Let’s hope I find myself soon…..

 

"Crystal Ball" (Keane)

Who is the man I see

Where I'm supposed to be?

I lost my heart, I buried it too deep

Under the iron sea

 

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball

Save us all, tell me life is beautiful

Mirror, mirror on the wall

 

Lines ever more unclear

Not sure I'm even here

The more I look the more I think that I'm

Starting to disappear

 

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball

Save us all, tell me life is beautiful

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Oh, crystal ball, hear my song

I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong

So put me where I belong

 

I don't know where I am

And I don't really care

I look myself in the eye

There's no-one there

I fall upon the earth

I call upon the air

But all I get is the same old vacant stare