dark day

So I just spoke with Watson’s regular vet about his inappetance (he’s had 1 ounce of baby food and a forkful of tuna today) and she says that, unless we can indentify an underlying cause to his lack of eating, then there is nothing else to treat.  Then it becomes a quality of life issue.  She says we can go the feeding tube route but I will not do that to him….

 

I also called the onco who did not have encouraging things to say….. the purpose of tomorrow’s visit would be to determine the next course of treatment.  It is not an encouraging sign that he is nauseous/not eating 3 weeks after chemo.  That means it’s not the chemo so something else is causing it; that something else could be other organ involvement, the spread of his disease, or something totally different…  The chemo drug options are either more aggressive drugs to trigger a longer-lasting response (but may make him more sick), or drugs that are less effective but may help manage his condition. 

 

But there is no cure, and we would be right back to where we are right now in a matter of weeks.  Yes, MAYBE months… but most likely weeks.  I do not want him to suffer… and as I look down at my feet and see him too tired to lift his head when I pet him… my gut tells me that the end is near.  He is tired and not feeling well, not eating despite drugs… and I never, ever want to repeat the weekend we had last weekend.  He will never be whole and strong again… and I can’t sit here day by day and watch him waste away.  He has not had a real meal in a week.  Should I wait until it’s two?  Or three?  No.  no.

 

Rich is calling the regular vet back since I’m not sure I could hold myself together to sound lucid.   I am sitting here as still as possible because if I move, I am afraid I will shatter into a million pieces.