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Thursday, August 16, 2007

And part of me did shatter....

Tonight I lost my best friend, my truest friend... the one who could just look at me and see how I felt... the one who never asked me for anything but my attention and my presence. Tonight, August 16th at 6:42pm ET, my Watson crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

As you all know, I have struggled with every step of this journey from the moment we found out he was ill. Never once did I lose HOPE until today. I just armed myself with information and, knowing that Watson would follow me to the ends of the earth, I moved ahead.... speaking with specialists and other parents of other canine cancer survivors.. gathering HOPE and strength and knowledge to move on to the next day.

To Ilene and Anne - thank you, Marie-Alice who sent me her chemo diary that I was so afraid to read for so long, to Linda L. and Pam for their work on the Canine Cancer board, to Graham and Prince and Tilly and Lesley who reached across an entire ocean to touch my hand and tell me it's okay, to Sue & Keesha in NJ who I swear answered every post I wrote.

To Marty, Debbie, Cathy, Darlene, Gloria, Rebecca, Lesley M., Rita, Cath, Eric & Jennifer, Marsha, Yukie, and all the others who I am sure I missed but didn't mean to, who gave me nothing but encouragement and advice on the darkest of days. Thank you THANK YOU for all of you who I will never get a chance to meet but will still be eternally grateful. If I could give each of you a hug, I would.

For my dearest human friend in the world, Miss Melanie M. who lets me call her at work out of the blue to cry and cry and cry. Who carries the weight of my problems on her shoulders even though she doesn't have to.. who prays for me when I can't.... who is always first in line to tell me that I have done all I can and that I need to stop my stupidly ambitious drive to right the wrongs of the world before I drive myself crazy!

And to Rich Frembes, my husband who never flinched at a vet bill, who never once said to give up, who opened his heart to this dog even though he had never owned a dog before.... who took his marriage vows to heart when he said through thick and thin, better or worse....

When we arrived at the office, I learned that my vet had consulted with the onco and concluded that this path was best for him. I needed that reassurance even though in my heart I knew it was time. He went very peacefully. I was holding his sweet little face and looking him in the eye until the last moment. Then I stayed and hugged him until I knew he was gone...

I hope that this post was readable... and that you don't think it's weird that I am writing it just a few hours after he is gone. But I am a writer by trade, and this is my release. My release of my pain, his pain, my fear.... he is at peace now and that is all I ever wanted for him.


I will always ask myself if I did enough, if there was one more thing I could have tried, if there was something I missed that would have made a difference... I will always ask because I wanted to do right by him. And I miss him terribly right now.... my heart is so empty...

I will keep this blog up as a tribute to my sweet Watson, and as a resource for anyone out there who needs to know the rollercoaster..... and how quickly the ride can end. Thank you again for the cyber hugs and love, and the positive energy that can be sent between otherwise perfect strangers.

For those of you who are continuing the fight against this horrible beast, you have my admiration. Your strength and dedication to your furbabies is awe-inspiring.

10 comments:

Graham & Prince said...

Linda,

I know there's nothing I can say that can even touch what your feeling at the moment. All I can say is that Watson will have always been, and will always be, aware of how much you loved him and all you did for him. I don't think you could have done more, and I really don't think you should beat yourself up worrying that you could.

As a final note - don't forget that he'll always be with you on a higher level. It took me a few hours to reconnect with Prince, as I was in terrible shock, and he was busy starting his new adventure. BUt we did reconnect, and you will with Watson. He'll always be with you in your heart, looking out for you, giving you strength, and sending lots of love.

Once again, enormous amounts fo love and support,

Graham, Prince & Tilly xxx

Lesley Rigby said...

Dear Linda,
You should be sleeping now but something tells me you won't be. We sat at breakfast in silence this morning knowing that someone else was numb with shock and disbelief at losing their most loved little boy. I simply don't know what to say........."Stop all the clocks" is in my head right now. Watson was only on loan and for some seemingly very unfair reason God has taken him back. We asked ourselves many times why should this happen to us? We were so good to this little dog (Prince)and to us he was the best in the world - Why him? Who knows? Nothing makes sense any more........I am just trying to let you see that you aren't alone. We will have to draw strength from each other and do the best we can to live on without them. We will be crying for ourselves though because our loved ones are set free. My family are so very, very sorry for your loss. Big hugs and loves across the ocean. xxxxxx

Flowerpot said...

Dear Linda,
We haven't met before but I have come here via Graham's blog which I only discovered a few days ago. I am so, so sorry but I am certain that Watson knew how much you loved him and never, ever let him down. Hold onto that. Take care, love and hugs.

schnozzles said...

Hi Linda
Reading that last post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you and Watson lost the fight, and so proud that, like Graham with Prince, you found the strength to let him go with dignity. I am sure that he will always be with you in spirit.

Sending lots of love your way

Em & Mollie

schnozzles said...

I can't begin to imagine how you feel Linda, all I can do is send you love from across the ocean. I'm sure Watson will be with you in spirit always and as time passed you will notice the little ways he will find to remind you that he is still around.

Much love and doggie licks

Em & Mollie

Ferndoggle said...

Hi Linda...I read about Watson on Mollie's blog. I can't imagine the pain. I am so sorry for your loss.

They're never with us long enough.

Jen
Sherman, Penny & Lola

Balboa & Mommy said...

My deepest sympathies, you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Karen and Balboa

Laura Huie said...

Linda, You don't know me, but I feel like I know you and Watson. I started reading your posts on the Canine Cancer site and started reading your blogs. My 12 year old cocker was diagnosed with Lymphoma on July 3rd. She is currently in chemo and battling the disease, although it is a rollercoaster ride.
I wept as I read your last blog and I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you know that you aren't alone and that we all cry with you. Watson was indeed an earth angel, and now he has gone on to become your guardian angel. You are a wonderful mommy and let him go with such dignity. He was very lucky to have you guys the last couple of years of his life.

Micki (my dog) and I are sending you internet hugs and will be praying for your strength. I know I've got my own dark days to deal with in the future, but I hope you know that by reading your blog, I feel like I'm not alone. There are so many things you wrote that I have been thinking, but you were able to put them into words. I thank you for that.

Our deepest, deepest condolences,
Laura and Micki

Kerrio said...

This is the hardest journey to take, I'm in tears just reading this.

Farewell Watson, and big hugs to your family.

Kerri & co

Bryan said...

Linda, thank you so much for this blog. I just lost my beloved American Bulldog Roofus on 12/27/2011. He also was losing the fight with Lymphoma and I made the decision to put him to sleep. These last three days have been some of the hardest in my life and your blog helps bring some closure to my decision. It is so hard to make that choice, but it is even worse to see your best friend in pain.

Thanks again,
Bryan