Dread

I just administered his last dose of Cytoxan... he's not feeling well today so the appetite just isn't there. I tried steak, chicken, cheese, eggs.... And it doesn't help that Cytoxan is toxic to humans so I have to be careful not to touch it. They gave us some gloves to handle the drugs and you're
supposed to wash your hands after taking off the gloves. After the pill made its way from steak to cheese to eggs, I finally just had to throw it down his throat before it turned to mush.

So now I am sitting here in silence so I can hear if he moves/groans/makes any sound. I realized that this blog is like the digital version of worry beads. I guess I didn't expect it to be such a cathartic experience but I am glad I started writing. Now it seems like I can't stop. The next few
hours will be filled with dread for me. When the Cytoxan hits his system, he goes into this rapid breathing - rhythmic, almost like a cricket chirping... Sometimes I am afraid to turn around and see him.