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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Funny how the memories come...

I was just reading Graham's blog and his recent post triggered a memory in my lizard brain. He wrote about being on a plane for a business trip and related that the last time he flew was shortly after Prince died. The relationship between the two events triggered an emotional response... and suddenly as I was reading, I had a flash to the week that Rich was on a trip and Watson was not eating.

It was 10pm and I had run out of ideas on how to get him to eat. I had literally tried everything in the kitchen cabinets. I grabbed my keys and headed out to the nearest market (which is a Super Wal-Mart, but don't get me started on how much I hate Wal-Marts in general). I remember walking up and down the aisles, grabbing anything I thought he would like - beef liver, chicken breasts, baby food, bacon, Slim-Jims, people crackers, yogurt, frozen dinners - ANYTHING. I felt so desperate and irate at the same time.

Watson was also having serious bouts of diarrhea then, so I couldn't leave him for longer than 30 minutes or so. That trip through the store was like that game show, where they give you and cart and say "go, you have 5 minutes to gather up all you can carry"!

I realized that I have not stepped foot in that store since Watson died. I am not a Wal-Mart shopper anyway (I drive farther down the road to go to a real market) but it occurs to me that I should go back. If anything, I need to confront the emotions that wait there for me.

There are other things that I have not done - either subconsciously or consciously - since Watson passed. Watson and I used to walk the loop at a cemetery down the street everyday, sometimes twice a day. I've taken Waldo down there once, and it was recently, but it was still too soon. I wasn't ready to walk the same steps with a different dog, so Waldo and I usually walk in the other direction.

As I had previously written, I've done my best to put my memories under lock and key in my head. It's the only way I can get through each day. I'm ready to find joy again but I can't do that without opening up and sifting through my emotions first.

When my mom died in 2002, it took me 2 years before I could sit still again. If I sat still long enough, my mind would wander back to her. So the things I enjoyed doing while seated, knitting or reading a book, came to a complete halt. It wasn't until I dealt with my feelings that I could return to my normal activities.

But I am still so mad... and sad, and hurt.... I am so angry that cancer has once again touched my life and taken away someone I loved. I am utterly pissed that Watson is gone. I rage at the unfairness that some people float through life without ever feeling an ounce of loss. But I can't go there just yet... there is work to do, errands to run, etc., etc., etc..... so for now, I push it back.

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